How To Become A Dead Sheep, Or What You Should NEVER NEVER EVER Do At A Wrestling Show.

This past Tuesday night, the 24th of August, was a truly great day for the Carnival Of Payne. We added yet another new member, Gino Martino successfully defended his belt, and we took care of that constant thorn in our collective side, Osirus. I'll write another column about all of the greatness that occurred on that night, but for now I want to talk about something serious. For once, the following should be taken VERY seriously, as it could save your life, next time you are at a wrestling show.

I've been doing this for just shy of five years now, and I've made my fair share of enemies over the years in rings and locker rooms throughout the northeast because of my general way of being. That's all part of the business. But something happenend Tuesday night that ISN'T part of the business, and should never be a part of the business.

Like I said, I've made my fair share of enemies with wrestlers and other managers. I've also ended up offending many fans over the years, whether legitimately, or for humor's sake. But what happened Tuesday night was a step beyond normal "heat" from the crowd.

Yet again (for this has happened a handful of times in my career during matches I've been a part of) some fan tried to fight one of my wrestlers. Now, I'm not talking one of you normal sheep that talk tough behind the rope/barricade and threaten to show me who the real man is in the ring. That's fine by me. I figure it just makes you insignifigant little pissants feel better about yourselves. So be it.

I'm talking about a fan going far enough to try to get into the ring during a match to take on one of my wrestlers.

If you've ever sat at a show and thought to yourself......

Self....I bet I could kick that pussy's ass. I'm the same size as him, and besides, this shit is all fake. I'll show him how a REAL man can fight. Damn, I'll just jump this rope and slide in that ring and start handing out ass-whoopins like it's christmas!

DON'T FUCKING DO IT!!!!!!

But why, you may be dense enough to ask. Let me explain what WILL happen every single time a fan tries that.

First, if you think it's fake, you are sadly mistaken. Trust me on this, ANY wrestler, if nothing else, is a glutton for punishment and can take one hell of a beating.What the hell do you think YOU can do to hurt a man that drops ten feet to the cement floor REPEATEDLY, gets the shit chopped out of his chest REPEATEDLY,gets punched and kicked by very large men REPEATEDLY? Face it chump, you can't throw ANYTHING at a wrestler that he hasn't had done to him HUNDREDS of times, and he keeps going. And that's what he can TAKE, now as for offense.....

Think about it. These guys are able to do any move you see them do in a ring with the right amount of control to adjust how HARD they want to do a specific move. For example, any wrestler that can give a beautiful dropkick and land it with perfect accuracy in a ring without taking his opponents head off, could just as easily do that same dropkick, AND TAKE SOMEONE'S HEAD OFF if he wanted to. Same goes for ANY move. Do you really want to take a clothesline from Rick Fuller when he's super pissed? I know from experience that I sure as hell don't. I LIKE having all of my teeth. SO, besides the defense a wrestler has, his offense is even more brutal.

Now for the biggest TWO reasons you shouldn't EVER try to fight with a wrestler at a show.

1. In the remote chance you DO manage to get a lucky shot off on a wrestler, do you really think his brethren are going to stand idly by and just watch it happen? Let me give you a specific example.

This past Tuesday, a fan took exception to something Sludge the Clown said in his promo. Sludge told the guy that his wife was fat, and the guy got pissed, so he slowly made his way to the floor next to the ring apron. The fan wanted to kick Sludge's ass for what he said. Now first of all, Sludge had about fifty pounds and a few inches on this guy. Second of all, Sludge wasn't alone in the ring. Tasty Hastey and I were with him. So, as this guy came up to the ring, Hastey got between them, and calmly told him to go back to his fucking seat. I then told him that climbing through those ropes (he was on the apron now) would be the biggest mistake he ever made. While I was talking to him, I was sizing up exactly where to swing my cane in order to do the most damage to the back of his skull the second he climbed through those ropes. Afterwards, when discussing this with Hastey, I discovered that Hastey was prepared to bring his knee up into this guy's nose the second he climbed through the ropes. Now in combination, I think that would have done some damage. And that bring's me to the BIGGEST reason to never try to fight a wrestler.

2. You will not only go to the hospital, you will also go to jail. That's right. If you want to be a tough guy and start shit with a wrestler, you'll not only get the living hell beat out of you, you'll not only be made to look like a first class bitch in front of a crowd, but you'll also be the lucky winner of a cruise to the local police station. It is considered self-defense for ANY wrestler to fight back against a fan. The fan will be charged with assault, and the wrestler will be exonerated, because for all any wrestler knows, the fan could have a weapon, and that makes it self-defense. It's a lose lose situation for the fan.

So in conclusion, if you or any of your friends are ever at a wrestling show and someone wants to storm the ring and try to fight a wrestler, remember what will happen.........

-You will embarrass your friends and family at the show with you.

-You will ruin the show for all of the other paying fans there, and THAT can have it's own consequences.

-You WILL get your ass kicked, handily.

-You WILL go to jail.

So if you want to lose your friends, spend money on hospital bills, spend money on bail, and in general be looked at as some stupid schmuck, STAY OUT OF THE RING!!!!