Let me welcome you to the first ever Dr. Payne's Drunken Movie Reviews. I only point out that this is my first review because I wanted to start with the movie that inspired me to do "drunken moview reviews".

Ya see, I've always wanted to review films more regularly, and on my own site. Problem is, I don't have any desire to go watch new movies all the time, mainly because I would end up prosecuted if I went into a theatre, drunk, to review "Music and Lyrics".Thus, one magical night I decided to focus my reviews on my own personal field of expertise.

Drunken reviews of some really crappy b-movies, but films that get better the drunker you are. I had this epiphany one evening while watching, drunk, this here film.

Now before I begin ripping into this film, according to it's OFFICIAL SITE the film admits to being a "horror spoof". My one thought is, I'm not sure I laughed where, or more accurately WHY, the director/writer wanted me to. To it's credit, even when it's bad, it's good. Perhaps even more so.

I caught this gem one evening on HBO at about two in the morning. I was already pretty well lit, and the description (monster attacks troubled girls in catholic dorm) and title intrigued me. Well let me tell you, within the first few minutes I was convinced I HAD to watch the rest of the movie. I had to see where a film that has my new favorite quote in quite some time goes.

"She was gang raped by thirteen of her students."-Douchebag #1

"Unlucky"-Douchebag #2

Yeah, any film with a lame punchline on a joke about raping a nun, that's a film I must see through to the end. All the way to it's stupid, tit filled, laughably lame, poorly acted end. Speaking of acting, to the right you see the female lead in this lil wonder. Her best scene? The one where she fucks, immediately after meeting for the first time, a cop investigating her sister's disappearance. Now while seeing her tits is certainly a good thing, the attempt at humor (I hope) of having a normal dialogue scene during sex, failed for me. The "comedy" was SO poorly delivered I really couldn't be sure if this WAS supposed to be funny. I found myself more amused by the feeling these people are literally reading cue cards and TRYING to be funny and failing, than with the concept that people would have a normal conversation while humping.

Now you may ask yourself, "Self, do I STILL want to watch this film while sober? I mean, maybe the plot is at least good.". Here we go.

Women are disappearing in the vacinity of a catholic halfway house for misguided young females. While varying in age, size, and demeanor all of these women share one thing.

They are tit baring skanks.

Well, the sister of one of the missing people decides to play detective alongside a poorly acted detective, oh wait, "inspector" (does anyone use that in films anymore?), as the sister infiltrates the gloomy reform school for dykes and bad actresses. Needless to say, much nudity, nun abuse, and a monster based on Cthulhu (in all of his alternating foam rubber/blatent c.g.i. glory) later, we hit a "climax" that is exactly as lame as I had hoped and dreamed.

While I've been harshing on the "comedy" aspects of this flick, I will give credit where credit is due. As I said, the attempts at comedy sorta missed with me, BUT the general tone of being light-hearted certainly makes this an enjoyable film to drink to, warts and all. Yeah, the monster certainly reminds the viewer of a character from H.R. Pufnstuf, but you don't feel "jipped" when you see it, instead you can laugh and chug some beer.

As for a drinking game to perhaps play during this film, well the obvious one for me is the drink for nip(s) game. That's right, every nipple you see, drink a couple.

Just be careful when you swig not to shoot suds out your nose laughing at some of the funbags.

Whether it be the chained up chick's HORRIBLE tit-job-scars, or the fat girl's tits in the shower, this film delivers on the nudity. The shower scene alone involves practically every single actress in the film topless, simultaneously.

Finally, as any bad horror movie should , we have the silent, creepy janitor, pictured left. Guess what, he doesn't say a word....TILL THE END OF THE MOVIE. Duh-duh-DUM!!!!!

I know you've seen it before, but it's worth the wait in this case.

So all in all, if you can appreciate a bad film to the point of not just tolerance, but genuine enjoyment, then check this lil guy out. While it doesn't hit on all cylinders throughout, it most assuredly will entertain you and a few beers.